• and if not He is still good •


Part 1.

Well, here I am. I have gone back and forth trying to decide if this is even something I want to do. I have debated this for several reasons:

1- I have always hated writing papers. English was not my strong suit in either high school or college (I waited till my senior year spring semester to take Composition 2 because I was hoping that it would just magically disappear).

 2- I don’t want to be judged. The last thing I want is for people to think I am doing this for attention.  My emotions can sometimes take the best of me. I know we should not always worry what people think of us, but I do.

3- Do I want to be vulnerable? Some of you know what Austin & I have been going through, but do I want this to be public?

4- A reason I do want to do this is that I pray I will be able to help and encourage just one of you.  I want you to know that you are not alone.

 5- Lastly, the most important reason and why I decided to start this is that I cannot hide anymore. I have been thinking about writing this for a while. In fact, I think about this all the time. I really feel that God is calling me to share our story and experience. We are here on this earth for such a short time. This is just a passing zone to get to our eternal reward. Sometimes I am not sure what my “calling” is but if I can use this to share God’s word and remind you that we are the clay and he is the artist, I will.

So, where to even start? Wednesday, August 26, 2020 was the day I decided to start writing. I had cried all morning (definitely not the first time) because of one.little.line.

When I was a little girl I always planned on growing up, getting married (having a fairytale wedding) and then having two kids by the time I was 30. Who doesn’t have those plans? I got the married and fairytale wedding part covered- maybe one of these days I will write about how I literally had my absolute dream wedding. Now that is something I could talk about for days! 

Maybe this is just me, but I used to think that when you were ready to have a baby…well, you just did. I did not think about having to plan around which week and even down to which day. Even then it is only like what... a 25% chance of getting pregnant when you try on the “right” day?? This was definitely way more thought and planning than I had expected.

Throughout this blog I want to be able to share our story and how God has/is working in our life. For those of you who do not know, we lost our little baby in July 2019. We had been trying to get pregnant before that, so we were so excited when we found out we were. Unfortunately, our little one’s life ended much sooner than we planned. Since then, we have been trying to have our rainbow baby.

It really hit me a few weeks ago. I was scrolling through my phone and saw the videos and pictures we had from when I was pregnant. I started crying because that was such an exciting time and one I had wanted to share with all my friends. The videos of telling your parents and grandparents you’re pregnant for the first time is a beautiful feeling that you can’t even explain. Anyways, I want to be able to share that here. I want my readers to feel like they can post and share their excitement that they never got to share with anyone. I want to be able to talk about the highs and lows after a miscarriage, what it is like to be struggling to get pregnant, and so much more. Some of these things are just not
talked about enough in the world. It is almost as if it is hidden. It’s not until you see one person post about it or until you yourself go through it personally that you realize how common it actually is. You also don’t truly understand what it feels like until you’ve gone through it. You can tell someone you’re praying for them in any situation but when you yourself have been through something you can relate and understand on a whole new level. I hope and pray that writing my thoughts and sharing with you all is going to benefit us both. I have said it before, but I want each and every one of you out there that are struggling to become parents or those of you who have experienced a miscarriage with the message that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I want us to be able to come together and be able to talk about our experiences. Like I said, I have tried to ignore the signs to share our story but I just can’t do it any longer.  I look forward to continuing to share our story. But in the meantime-remember this: “and if not He is still good.”

God, I don't even know if I will say the right things. I pray that you give me the right words to say. You know my thoughts and I pray that you help me write them out. Please take the fear away from me. I am stepping way out of my comfort zone and trying to be vulnerable. I pray that our journey may be able to help someone, even if it is just one person. I pray for every family who is currently going through something. Place your hand on them. Remind them that you are here. Amen.

be kind,
Xoxo, Hann

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