• and if not He is still good •

Monday, August 31, 2020

Part 2.


Here we are. I want to start by sharing the first part of the story of how we got to where we are today. I want you all to remember that this is just my personal story. I understand that everyone has a different story and for some of you, you may have been struggling for much longer. I want to also hear what you have gone through.

June 2, 2019. I remember that day as if it was yesterday. It was a Sunday morning. My husband, Austin, is the head boys basketball coach at a school here in Arkansas—yes, that makes me a coach’s wife & I love being his biggest fan. Anyways, I had gone to meet Austin at the University where they were having a team basketball camp. The camp would provide a devotional Sunday morning for anyone who wanted to go before the games started that day.  Over the last few years of attending this camp, I have always gone to meet Austin and the team for worship. I remember telling him before I left my plans for the day; that I had to run to Walmart to get groceries and that I also still hadn’t “started.” 

Now let me back up a little bit to the previous month. It was the beginning of May... We had been trying to get pregnant for a while and so we finally decided to go to my doctor to see if there was anything I could take (my friends had told me about clomid and letrozole). Long story short- my doctor did not want me to start on either one of those pills. He wanted to make sure everything was good with mine and Austin’s “levels.” So, we set up that appointment and it was going to be about a week before we could get in. There was so much going on that week: end of the school year, planning summer vacations, camps, etc. We were just very nervous about the situation to begin with and in a way, the thought of getting our levels tested brought on more stress. So after talking through it, we decided we were not ready to start that yet and that it would be best to wait. We told each other we would keep trying through the summer and if I was not pregnant by August, we would go back and revisit the situation and move forward with it. Little did we know God had a different plan...

After leaving the basketball camp that morning, I went home. If you are like me, when you are trying to get pregnant you take a test every chance you can. (Here is a little tip for those of you who don’t already know…one of my best friends had told me about a year ago that there are .99 pregnancy test?! SAY WHAT?!  I am not sure I even want to know the amount of money I have spent on pregnancy tests so when I found that out I was super happy.) But anyway, I had taken a test earlier that week and it was negative. But, just like I did every other month, I still decided to test again. I got home and took another test… and for the first time ever I saw TWO LINES!! I about freaked out!! I was going crazy. I could not believe what I was seeing. I ran to Walmart to pick up my groceries (I normally do Walmart pick up when I know I need pregnancy tests because I always felt awkward going in to grab those boxes).  This time I got the “expensive” Clearblue box. I ran home to test again and low & behold I saw 1 word…pregnant. Remind you, Austin is at camp and I have yet to tell him. I made a video of myself freaking out so that I could show him my reaction. I wanted to tell him in person so for the time being, I  just texted him “I love you so much.” I went up to the gym because they were about to have a game and afterward I drove him to the next game. He looked at me and said “You’re pregnant aren’t you.” I guess I don’t send mushy texts that often. He said that it gave it away. We were both just so excited. 

That evening after the camp was over we wanted to tell our parents, so we went over to their place. The excitement that they showed was just the best! I wish I could share the video! We called my in-laws, and went and told my grandparents. We were just so excited that we couldn’t wait for all our family and close friends to know.

Those next few weeks before our first appointment were so exciting. I remember getting little things in the mail from the “baby fairy”, my mom picking up little things each time she went to Walmart (creams, diapers, etc.) It was just so fun! Our first appointment came and we got to see our little one and hear its heartbeat. God is just so good. He had created this little tiny human. Our little baby was due February 10, 2020. We had already scheduled our vacation- we were going on a cruise to celebrate! I had double checked with my doctor to make sure everything was good for me to go. Right before we left, one of my friends took a few announcement pictures of us so that when we got back from our vacation I could post our exciting news. We got to fully enjoy what we thought was our last trip as just the two of us. 

When we got back I was around 10 weeks along. We decided to go ahead and announce on social media that we were expecting. A week later, I had my second doctor’s appointment. 

            Side note:  My mom & I are very close. We talk about almost everything. Her and my dad had left for a cruise a few days after we had gotten back. For some reason I was just devastated. I did not want her to leave when I knew I had another doctor appointment. I knew that I was not going to be able to call or text her & tell her how everything went. She is a nurse so I would always ask her opinion on things. I did not just cry, I balled when I talked to her last. I blamed the pregnancy hormones. 

I thought all was going to be fine. I had not experienced anything that would have led me to believe I would have miscarried. July 16 came around and we had our second appointment! Austin and I showed up for what we thought was just going to be a normal check up. The doctor came in and used the little ultrasound doppler and moved it all around…we were not hearing anything. He said that it could have been too early still and we should go get on the big machine. As we were waiting, I was freaking out. I was so blessed to have Austin with me. He definitely kept me calm though it all. 

After what felt like hours of waiting (about 15 minutes), we went into the room where the machine confirmed my worst fear- any mother’s worst fear. Our little baby no longer had a heartbeat. Oh my heart was broken. We got to take home one last ultrasound picture. The nurse left and Austin just held me close. I never thought this could have or would have happened. I tried to be strong in public. I did not want to lose it because I knew if I did I would not be able to get myself back together. 

Pretty soon the doctor came back into the room. He was telling me all these things but I was barely hearing anything. All I caught was that I had 3 options: I could wait it out naturally, I could take a pill and let everything happen at home, or I could have a D&C. We had no idea what to do. He let me take some time and figure it out and told me just to call and let them know. I was just so devastated because this is when I would call my mom to ask her. I had no way of reaching her. Sometimes, girls just need their momma (just fyi- she will now never go on a vacation without making sure I can reach her). 

Austin and I left. We finally got to the truck where I completely lost myself. He held me tight. He has and will always be my stronghold. Man, I love him so much. We were both hurting so bad. I am so thankful for my in-laws; when we told them, they immediately came from Marion to stay and be with us that night. 

I had so many emotions. I was so hurt, angry, frustrated. Everything there is to feel, I was feeling it. I did not understand why God would do this. Why would he allow us to be so hurt? I had so many questions but they all came back to - why? Why us? My birthday was at the end of July and I had already ordered an early gender test kit. We were going to do a gender reveal for my birthday. I am such a planner and nothing was going the way we planned. Everything just stopped.   

Like I had mentioned earlier, my mom is a nurse. She has several close friends in her department that I have also grown to know very well and trust. Austin and I still had no idea what to do moving forward, so I reached out to one of them. She immediately called me. She filled my mom’s role so well. She helped us by talking through the options and we decided that the D&C route was what we felt was best. 

God has had His hand on us through this whole thing. I was not supposed to hear from my mom, but she decided to pay for 24 hours of phone service. She texted me that night asking how everything went. I was finally able to talk, cry, and explain everything. She was hurting so bad for us. I was by no means better, but talking to her made me just a little bit on the mend. 

My doctor and his nurse are just wonderful. They were both so kind and helpful through this. I explained that we wanted to do the D&C and I asked if I could wait until my parents got back.  I knew that for this I would be prepped in the Outpatient department and that is where my mom worked. Again, God just had his hand with us through everything. I had the two ladies who I have known so long prep me. One of them was not even on the schedule that day but she came in just for me. I felt so much more secure knowing I was in good hands. 

The following weeks were very hard. I cried so many times. Austin was always right beside me. Our worlds had been turned upside down. On the outside I felt like I had to be strong, as if it was not okay to show I was heartbroken. My thinking was that this just happens to people and I was supposed to a big girl and move on. Looking back, I know I probably did not grieve in the right way. I felt like I could really only cry and express everything to Austin. We had already posted and for a long time people kept coming up to me saying “congratulations.” It was so awkward telling them that I was not pregnant. Sometimes all I could do was just ignore it. I was just not yet ready to tell everyone what had happened. Hearing all the “I’m sorrys” was not the attention that I wanted. 

There are so many people that were there for us. My family, friends, and so many more. I could not have gotten through everything still to this day without my three closest friends. They had all experienced things like this and were there for me even on the darkest days. I love each of them so much!

Life has continued over the last year. We are still trying to have our rainbow baby. I pray for each of you that have experienced a miscarriage. Some of you did it silently and nobody knew. Some of you were like me and have spoken about it. Each situation is different and everyone handles grief in a different way. This experience has brought Austin and I closer. We have had our hard days, but at the end of the day we know that God does have a plan for us, even though we do not yet know what it is. Before we got pregnant, we wondered if we ever could get pregnant. Through this experience, God has shown us that we ARE able to, we just now have to wait for His timing. I still have a lot of “why” questions, but I am having to learn to be patient.  God has taught me many things with what we have gone through and are going through now with our fertility journey & I will look forward to sharing that with you next time. 

xoxo be kind,

Hann


Jason Grey: Remind Me You’re Here.

None of my pain

Has ever caught You by surprise

Still, it's hard to trust You

When I'm lost in the wonderin' why

But I'll trade every question

Just to lay down and rest in Your heart

And I'll reach for Your hand

Though You led me here into the dark

And I won't ask You for reasons

'Cause a reason can't wipe away tears

No, I don't need all the answers

Just be here beside me

Father, remind me You're here

Here

If it's random or providence

Neither are a comfort to me

Are You cruel if You planned it,

Or weak if You allowed it to be?

Half of me's still believin'

The other half is angry and confused

Oh, but all of me is desperate

And longing to be held by You

So I won't ask You for reasons

'Cause a reason can't wipe away tears

No, I don't need all the answers

Just be here beside me

Father, remind me You're here

Here

Get me outta my mind

And into Your arms

Where hope comes alive

And fear falls apart

I won't ask You for reasons

'Cause a reason can't wipe away tears

No, I don't need all the answers

Just be here beside me

Come be here beside me

And I won't ask You for reasons

'Cause a reason can't wipe away tears

No, I don't need all the answers

Just be here beside me

Father, remind me You're here

Here, just need to know

That You're here, yeah

Here, I just need to know that You're here


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4 comments

  1. Hannah,
    Thank you for sharing your story of heartbreak and healing. We have walked in you and your husbands shoes several times. Praying for your womb to be opened and then for Jesus to grow that tiny miracle full term and healthy into your arms. He is able. -Lindsay Bauer

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  2. praying for you daily hannah. thank you for being so bold and sharing your story. praying for you to get your rainbow baby!!!!!! jesus is faithful and can do all things!
    xo, hillary

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  3. Hey sweetheart! I am so very proud of you. I do know exactly how you feel because when I was first pregnant, I lost our first baby...just like you. I lived 6 hours from my mom and it was so hard to go through it with out her close by. We did have the blessing of an 800 number for my parents so we talked a lot. Things were so different 24 years ago....people knew that I had a miscarriage, but it wasn't spoken of and you just had to go on with things without much support. I am grateful that this is not the case anymore and women can be surrounded with encouragement. We know that God is faithful..just look at what happened with us...TWINS that you got to grow up with! We love you and are praying for you and Austin! -Mrs. Amy

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  4. You are so brave to share this and I pray it is healing for you and comforting for others in the same situation. I can’t imagine how hard it was to keep hearing congratulations after your loss. Praying for your comfort and peace and God’s will be done in your life. Your faith is inspiring!

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